Clearlysacred's Xanga

Long time

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 04:49:36 GMT

So the whole boy thing is completly done. After weeks of confusion and long talks, fights, etc. I dunno really know what happened...he said he was gonna try to hang out more and stuff cuz he did like me n such. One night I was invited to go to the bar he works at and I sent him a text saying I was coming up with friends thurs...he said he would rather see me outside of work...i told him i was going up with friends and implied i wasnt really there to see him. Well apparently that made him VERY mad cuz he told me not to talk to him and to fuckin lose his number. After all the bullshit I was just like ...okay. Only bad part now its weird to go out there and have to see him, plus we kinda talk to the same ppl. Weird oh well.

On a more exciting note there is this other boy...he is super cute. I knew him in HS but we never really hung out then. He is kinda shy and I guess I am too in a way. But he is so nice and polite. Unlike the first boy. Problem is I dont think its likely that we will ever date, cuz were both kinda shy...he is more shy in general...im more shy about intiating things. Plus he is friends with this guy i used to date in HS...and recently i stayed the night at this boys place and i think there is confusion about whether we are dating or like eachother...BUT WE DONT...i just had one too many vodka lemonades and couldnt drive home....oh well...meanwhile im trying to become better friends with him...and hide the fact that i have a super huge crush on him!!!!

ttfn

Sigh...the turning point...

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 21:05:29 GMT

So last night my friend came out to my town to hang out with me, after many changes in the plans we ended up staying in the town which i live. I texted the boy saying that we might end up at his bar later since there are not many places to go and i dont know if your working but just thought id mention that. I wrote him that since we are kinda in that weird in between stage or whatever...i just didnt want him to think i was coming there to see him... He responded that he was not working and out with the guys...i was kinda glad and didnt respond. Now we can go there without thinking about it too much. After all we went there before he came into the picture.

We attempted another bar first but cuz of the stupid UFC fight it was too crowded and there was no were to sit. So we left and went to the bar which he works, which was no big deal cuz he wasnt there. The bartender (who he claims to have dated) was working. She was nice and i have no reason to not like her obviously so things were fine. my friend and i were talking and having a great time. Until he showed up. He was completely wasted and apparently was out with his boss, kinda a different story then out with the guys but whatever. So after like 20 min he came over and talked to us. He told us he had been drinking and was kinda drunk which is why his face was all red...and it was man i thought he had been on vacation in hawaii or something! anyway we talked about random things and at some point he decided i was making fun of him and said he was gonna go now...he walked away. I didnt think much of it, thought he was teasing and would come back. Nope. 30 min later after i finished my drink i was working on i was trying to decide if i wanted another cuz it was kinda awkward now. I decided fuck it, we came out to have fun and let him stay on the other side of the bar and not talk to us who cares. So i ordered another drink. Five min later we left, full drink on the bar, cuz he started flirting with the female bartender who he "dated" and trying to pick her up and stuff. Since they are not dating anymore i figured it was an attempt to make me jealous or mad. Whatever it was i was not about to sit there and watch it so we left with out saying good bye obviously. Mostly it just hurt my feelings and confused me...i didnt really do anything to him on purpose to have him ignore me so i dont get it...

I have decided im not gonna talk to him anymore, unless he makes contact first. Though i doubt he will and it makes me kinda sad...

I guess ill just have to get over it..

Saturday

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 22:31:24 GMT

On Saturday I saw the boy. He get this actually texted me first! He wanted to know what i was up to that night! Lol so after many texts and stuff we decided to hang out!...I gave a little shit for being an ass and kinda acknowledge it, though didnt offically apoligize. He bought me some alcohol for my house lol, which was nice but also kinda weird i guess... We went back to my place as usual and watched movies. We didnt make out at all during the movie! I was really happy about that and proud that i can resist temptation! He did do cute things like kiss me on the check rub my back n stuff tho....then we went to sleep...we made out a little in bed...which was nice and i could tell he was trying to cuddle with me every now and again just to make me happy...lol. The next morning was okay. I got up after the fourth time he woke me up by moving or snuggling me. It so weird he will put his arm around me for like 10 min and change his mind...lol i guess i move a lot in my sleep too...my friend says we are like the same person lol but also very different. We do have a lot of those weird little things in common...like...

We both have clammy hands lol i know its gross

we both get really cranky when we dont eat

We both move a lot in our sleep

we both like attention, and when we sit down and are alone we smother ourselves in it ha

we are both extremly irish and have lots of freckles

Thats all i can think of for now... there was more but i forgot em ...ill keep adding to it...lol not that any of this really means anything its just kinda funny...

Lata!

why cant i forget you?..its something beyond my understanding...

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 04:36:44 GMT

So I cant figure out why I cant get this stupid kid out of my head. Its like I have no self control. I went on two "dates" with him, which were okay...the second one was kinda icky. He has been mean to me. And usually when someone is rude or even less then kind I just move on. I had engouh will power to stop talking to my boyfriend of two years after we broke up, just stopped talking to him. Of course he was an ass too, but apparently I cant do the same with a person I really barely know and honestly seems kinda messed up. Maybe Im attracted to his messed up ness, cuz i honestly feel kinda messed up. But actually only cuz he is driving me crazy. Then i think well maybe i see something deeper in him, cuz he really does seem like he is a nice guy...but like he is going through something or whatever i dunno, and i should just wait it out that it will be worth it in the end. Then i think to myself "what am i twelve" this isnt a show on the WB...and i barely know him. My last thought is perhaps this isnt really about him, but rather something deeper and im either using him to distract myself or he is a small part of whats really going on. Like he represents all the stupid relationships i have had in the past year or something...maybe i just dont feel like letting another one go, event though its not really about him...he just happens to be there. Or maybe i was clinging to the hope of having him to distract me from my parents stupid, annoying, im-caught-in-the-middle-of divorce. Im starting to think it maybe a those things. Or maybe it is the comfort of hanging out with someone who's life is kinda out there at the moment too...a misery loves company kinda thing...maybe im not as settled as i thought and i have been trying to fool myself into beleiving that i am. With all the facts on the table about his life, about mine, and about us when we went out on our two dates, it seems evident that neither one of us should be with anyone right now...or at least not eachother...but for some unknown reason still hoping we can talk soon, or hang out. Since deleting his number hasn't worked im gonna need to figure out another way to be strong, b/c not only am i drving myself crazy, i think im makin a fool out of myself to... ha figures...im open to suggestions

Monday, January 19, 2009

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 16:34:04 GMT

So about a week ago on Saturday actually...It was late my friend and I just left a bar. It was snowing like crazy out. And in my tipsy state I texted the boy. Ha well it didnt go so well...im just gonna write the convo below.

Me: I totally just fell in the snow! lol

Boy: And I totally just woke up from a dumb text.

Me(trying to make light of the situation): Your sleeping?... lame!

Boy: I was sleeping, now im trying to go back to sleep.

Me: Wow....Okay

Boy: I have work tomorrow.

Me: Sorry to disturb you

Well i have had about a week to reflect on this. Of course my friends kinda think he is an ass...expecially the one who was over when it happened. I guess I can understand getting mad, but i would of just rolled over and went back to sleep. Then I started to think...this is a bad sign, he is verbally abusive.

So I didnt text him, till last night. I dont know why I just can't let it go...I have done it millions of times before, the whatever he is being an ass and I moved on to another guy or got busy doing something else. Anyway here are the texts from last night...

Me: Is it safe to text you? lol...

Boy: Yes.

Me: Haha..okay just checking. You working tomorrow in the day time? Thought maybe we chould have some friendly fun....i dont have work..havent't for days lol

(i know friendly fun sounds totally weird lol but we are kinda weird, and i wanted the phrase friends to be in there)

Boy: I have to work during the day tomorrow.

Me: Alright...Maybe another time then. I know something freaked you out but i would like to stay friends with you cuz your hilarious.

five min later....

Me: Sorry I didnt know how else to word that. I guess if your not cool with that just let me know...

(I just wanted to be honest...and i think i gave him an easy out here...)

Boy: I'm working. Everything is fine I've had a bad week.

Me: That sucks, sorry. Hope you have a better week.

Hm, so I dunno i guess everything is fine? lol....If he was having a bad week maybe that is why he got so cranky...i dont want to make excuses for him but i guess it happens...at any rate i really do want to be friends. But i doubt ill hear from him first. haha. Oh well just gonna give it some more time and maybe send him an invite next time my friends and i go drinking or something...though he will probbly be working...who knows...

Recap...

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 01:51:32 GMT

Since my last boyfriend and I brokeup in the end of March of 2008 I feel I need to recap the events of my dating to try to figure out what I'm doing wrong.

April/May J...Ah the rebound.... Of course rebounds don't work to well when your their rebound too. Or do they. I guess it worked out okay cuz neither one of us ended up wanting to date each other....but neither one of us gave the attention required of the rebound...so i guess we were not exactly "rebounded" yet.....Of course now he purposes marriage everyday and is very attentive...im still not interested..

June/July/Aug The blind date with a lawyer...fun, but the place was hot and there was two much sangria. I actually doubled dated with my friend D and her husband. It was her husbands co worker. It went well, the guy was kinda cute...but yea i dunno something didn't sit right about him and despite my friend D pushing it i just let it go. Then there was the waiter at this karoke place we went to, who i much wanted to chill with...but nothing ever came of it...sadly.

Sept/Oct Ah the cop/bartender....At this point my friends started telling me I had a bartender fetish. Hm...I laughed in their face, told them the WAITER at the karaoke place totally didnt count! Although he did primarly serve me my drinks...anyway The cop/bartender...mutually flirted endlessly with this kid ended up texting a few times...made plans for a date which ended up not working out because the haunted hous we wanted to go to was not open on mondays...and aparently he was scared of haunted houses and never called me again. (i found this out through a friend later who ran into him and admited his fear) yeah i dunno that was weird.

Nov/ Mid Dec Hm meeting ppl online seemed like an okay idea and of course my friend D was pushing me...shes kinda pushy i just realized. I met one kid and actually he seemed nice engouh at first but as the hours of the date wore on and the more he talked i was like YUCK! Get me the F outta here. I had to tell him a few days later after calling me MANY MANY times that I was not interested. Sigh.

Mid Dec/PresentThe boy...the bartender I was currently "talking to" lol I dunno. Told me right off that i couldnt call him my boyfriend yet...and yeah i dunno he got mean. I texted him saturday (our final texts) and apparently i woke him up (it was late but i thought he would be up). Well he said to me "I just got woken up by a really dumb text" refering to the one i just sent him...yep that was the end of that....who does that...i can see being kinda crabby if you get woken up but roll over and go the fuck back to sleep dont be an asshole...so yeah i have no desire to talk to him anymore...if he gets pissy over something so small how the hell would he react to something that normal ppl actually get pissed about....

I really dont like being single...not that i wanna be in a relationship but i just would someone to kinda talk to and perhaps spend V day with n stuff. Its almost been a year and im starting to wonder if i will ever get to date number 2 or 3 and still be interested.

I guess we will see...

Drama, Drama, Drama...

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 01:54:02 GMT

Challenges...

Well, it has been a busy couple of days or weeks I guess. My parents are getting divorced, which when you 23 isn't that bad, at least not in the way you would imagine. I'm more just worried about my dad and feel very bad and sad that he has to feel the way he does. My mom isn't really lacking any support...and does not need as much. So i visit him everyday, but i find i cant stay for long cuz the stress makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I subbed in fourth grade today...subbing on fridays is always hard. The kids are usually hyper and having a sub probably does not help and the older they are the worse it is....needless to say it was a challenging day.

The Boy...

I saw the boy on Sunday...I texted him first after not hearing from him for a while....this is what i said

"I'm kinda disappointed i didn't get to try your gordon rasmey cooking i heard so much about..." (He offered to cook for me, saying he used his recipes alot...of course as you can imply that never happened...)

Anyway i thought this was a lighthearted way to be like "WTF????....we still cool yo? And do you like me or what?" His response was alright...he said he was in wisconsin and just got home. Later he showed me pictures of him four wheeling...looked like fun. Anyway we hung out after he got out of work...i know your not really suppose to accept last minute "dates" but it was the last day of my vacation and seeing how he works nights usually and i work days who knows when the next available date would of been so i took it. I know it may not of been a great idea cuz it was late, but again he works nights and i work days so...there are not many options. Anyway despite the lateness and the fact that it was sunday we found an open bar (after being at the bar he works at for a little while he closed) and he bought me a drink. We only had time for one. Then (again probably not a good idea) but we decided to go back to my apartment and we both figured he would spend the night since it was already late...of course he offered to sleep on the couch, and actually ended up on the floor claiming he had a bad back. Kinda made me feel like an ass tho since two ppl can manage to sleep next to one another especially since we moved up a couple of bases if you know what i mean. Again not a good idea to have first or second dates at your apartment even if their is nothing to do cuz its so late! oy. The morning was awkward...i texted him something random on tuesday, i wasn't going to and thought maybe i should just wait, but i was never good at waiting. besides it was just a random funny story. he responded a little over an hour later. We shot a few texts back and forth. The last one i sent him said that maybe he could text me next time...lol no pressure..ttyl...maybe. I am trying to be light hearted but at the same time i kinda wanna know if he at least wants to see me consistently. If is gonna date other girls i don't really care...id probably hang out with other guys if i was asked or had an opportunity to chat with some at a bar or something. But i don't think we are on the same page with that one. Oh well....I haven't heard from him.

The Dream

I did have a really good dream last night tho...about this guy (who is made up in my dream world) who was really cute and i sat down next to him on a chair....the chair was a burnt orange leather. And we did nothing but sit close and occasionally reach out to one another. it was understood that we cared deeply for each other but all we did was sit. I looked up chair on a dream dicitionary website and was kinda surprised by the meaning...here it is

To see a chair in your dream, symbolizes your need to sit down and take time out to contemplate a situation before proceeding. Alternatively, it may indicates that your feelings or ideas are being dismissed or cast to the side.

weird huh...anyway i guess i should return to reality...

Two Times in One Day!!!

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 06:02:26 GMT

Ha I know I posted earlier....but yanno...I'm kinda bored. I went to Fridays (second night in a row, different friend...my friends really like fridays!) with my friend Dee, and got to catch up. It was nice. Still no word from the boy. But speaking of boys I saw a really cute one at Fridays....he worked there. I don't know whats with me liking people who work at bars and restaurants. Dee pointed out a few other guys I crushed on who I met while out and while they were working. I dunno, she thinks I have problems lol, like an fetish or something. She does not think they are long term BF material. Seems kinda discriminatory to me, plus I never said I was shopping for a long term BF...whatever happens happens yanno??? The guy was really cute tho, he was kinda emo/punk looking....I like those kinda guys. For what reason I don't know why, they just strike me as cute and different, maybe i dunno. Dee also things these guys are a waste of time. I just cant judge people like her, how does she know. Aren't you not suppose to judge a book by its cover??? Well off to bed, hoping for sweet dreams of a fantastic new year! Happy New Year Everyone!

Day 7

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:51:45 GMT

Well, minus the brief and unnoteworthy drunk texts that I wish I Never sent it is day 7 from the day the boy and I hung out. He did respond to the texts and we texted back and forth for maybe a half hour. It was nothing to serious just light fun conversation. But I think I have accepted the fact that he is probably not going to call me. I have come to the conclusion the talk about a second date were he would cook for me was probably a ruse to get in my pants. Of course it didn't work, which I guess is a positive note. I'm getting to old to be that gullible. Or maybe he just changed his mind. Either way it sucks. People keep telling me that maybe he is just waiting to call me on the day he wants to hang out or trying to not move so fast. If thats the case its just making me think he doesn't like me or is not interested any more....instead of not messing things up by going to fast or being to needy. Whatever, I guess I'll never know for sure. I still have a small amount of hope left that he might call...but for now I have deleted his number so I can't text him anymore. LOL.

Sigh....guys are so confusing!

I have the worst self-control in the world!!!!!

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 22:56:31 GMT

Last night my two best friends and I went out to this local bar. I haven't had much luck finding bars to go to since I have moved back to my home town. It was easy in college cuz bars are everywhere. And the town I lived in before was kinda known for its night life and had many bars. My home town isn't really like that. So here are the bars i know....

-The pub which my current crush that this blog revolves around at the moment.

-there are 2 bar/restaurant type things, but its kinda hard to mingle at them, they are just too damn big.

-and the one bar we went to last night...we'll call it college bar, cuz thats pretty much what it was a giant room with a bar in the middle, tvs, huge speakers, and like 3 tables lol. So if you don't have a seat at the bar your just standing there...lol.

So last night we went to college bar which actually turned out to be more like a high school reunion for my one friend and I who grew up in this town. WOW. It was weird. After four drinks or so I decided to text the boy. And my friends (also drinking) were very encouraging. So i sent a playful text and he sent one back. We sent a few back and forth actually, then it just stopped out of nowhere. Of course i was the one to send the last text which makes me nervous. I blame myself and my horoscope lol because if it wasn't for my horoscope i don't think i would of been thinking about texting him anyway....here it is..

Fear has held you back for too long -- progress in your personal life has suffered as a result of your unwillingness to be vulnerable and open. Today you need to look ahead, pick your goal, and just go for it! You are not helping or protecting yourself -- you are holding yourself back. Whatever hurts you will also teach you. So accept the fact that you might fail here and there. Welcome the challenge of revealing who you really are to someone else.

If those texts were damaging at all serves me right for relying on the zodiac. lol. But here it does say i might fail here and there....which i guess should of been reason enough to NOT text him but why would i think of that to begin with. Anyway I think I may just be stressing over nothing and hopefully its fine...but no texts or calls from him today. I dunno if its to much different for guys but when I like someone, i like talking to them every once in awhile. But anyway I blame myself, my horoscope, and maybe the vodka lemonade....but mostly myself....oy.